Monday, July 11, 2011
ok, so here i go....
i can honestly say without a quiver of doubt that this is the single most painful experience of my life. my heart is broken, i feel an emptiness that is impossible to describe. looking around at my sweet frankie's things somehow gave me a feeling of hope, and comfort. i know he's gone, but maybe a part of me thought that having his stuff around would provide me with a warmth or hope or something. i realize now that it was only avoiding the obvious. my mother kept telling me to throw away his things, but i just couldn't do that. it sounded too final, and so cold. my whole life is not what it used to be. simple little gestures, from maneuvering around the couch and bed to not squish him, to changing my vocabulary. there are things that i say that are habit that i don't need to say anymore. physical habits, of walking, feeding, petting, holding, everything. its all gone. its a very strange feeling. solitude, sorrow, empty, numb, are all words i feel. i have never felt these things before. i don't want it, and i can't get rid of it. as i type this, i'm baking a soft clay paw print that was made of frankie's feet before or after, i have no idea, he died. i picked up his ashes today. i've never seen ashes of anything or anyone before. its horrifying. i wish i didn't look at them. they live in a box, with his collar and tags, and will always be set in the sun. my sweet baby loved to sunbathe. watching him move his bed from one sunny spot to another was so adorable, my little sun dial, yet another habit i will miss. the way frankie would whine by my head until i let him get under the covers every night, how he would just find the perfect spot to nestle up to me and squeeze in, would melt my soul. that boy gave me so much love, and i hope he knows how much i love him back.
to think for a moment that he lived in any pain, destroys me. i know towards the end, he did have some discomfort, but never let on to it. looking back, he was preparing me for the things i know now he knew, and i would deny. my heart is broken. part of me is gone, and i just don't know what to do with myself. this heavy heart of mine is trying to move forward, but all i can see is empty places where my shadow used to live.
everyone keeps telling me that in time, i will feel better, and i get that, but i just can't understand it right now. suddenly time is moving so slowly, and all i have is time to feel the pain and loss. and perhaps this is all part of the process, but thinking about his sweet face, and little heartbeat next to mine is a constant reminder that he is very much gone, and all i am is lost.
my heart is broken. if i could have just a little more time with him, i would never let him go. yet, in the end, i was forced to make that very decision. my sweet sweet frankie, i pray you are at peace.