its been one month. i think its safe to say that i'm not handling the loss of my sweet boy very well. anxiety is at an all time high, almost lost my shit at a baby shower, surrounded by people i love, and feel safe with. i can't sleep, my head is foggy, and i just can't stop crying. i think its time to medicate. i've been dosing my self up with xanax at night just to try to sleep, but it just leaves me feeling like a zombie, and dizzy for the day. i think about those who have suffered far worse things than this, and it puts things into perspective, for a moment, but then i come home. then i get into bed, and i cry. my heart is so broken. and i know, ive heard it so many times that time will make this better, or it will be easier in time, and i realize not too much time has passed, but i am drowning. i barter with myself and try to make sense of it all, but nothing soothes me. i would give anything to have him back, anything. just to feel his warm little body next to mine, to have him waiting for me when i get home.
i've talked about how i need an animal in my life, but the momentary joy that will give me doesn't seem worth this pain. i don't know who does this over and over. and yes i know, its all part of the process, but this is just hell.
everyday seems to be twice as long. time is moving by slower and slower. until now, life zipped by and i swear minutes are hours, my days seem forever and the night is the worst part. all day long i push my thoughts out of my head, unless of course its one of 'those' days, where nothing works to try to move forward. so, i stifle my feelings, and be present for everyone, probably annoying the shit out of people, its like i turn it up to 15 just in case i slip a notch, by the end of the day, i'm just one big exploding emotion. everything slaps me in the face. the anger, the sadness the dark. its just so still around me, and i hate it. so i try to distract myself long enough to try to sleep, but nothing really works, i just cry, i rest and then i finally just get up because all this back and forth with my head and my heart is just annoying.
i just want to feel something different.