Monday, August 1, 2011

its been one month. i think its safe to say that i'm not handling the loss of my sweet boy very well. anxiety is at an all time high, almost lost my shit at a baby shower, surrounded by people i love, and feel safe with. i can't sleep, my head is foggy, and i just can't stop crying. i think its time to medicate. i've been dosing my self up with xanax at night just to try to sleep, but it just leaves me feeling like a zombie, and dizzy for the day. i think about those who have suffered far worse things than this, and it puts things into perspective, for a moment, but then i come home. then i get into bed, and i cry. my heart is so broken. and i know, ive heard it so many times that time will make this better, or it will be easier in time, and i realize not too much time has passed, but i am drowning. i barter with myself and try to make sense of it all, but nothing soothes me. i would give anything to have him back, anything. just to feel his warm little body next to mine, to have him waiting for me when i get home.

i've talked about how i need an animal in my life, but the momentary joy that will give me doesn't seem worth this pain. i don't know who does this over and over. and yes i know, its all part of the process, but this is just hell.

everyday seems to be twice as long. time is moving by slower and slower. until now, life zipped by and i swear minutes are hours, my days seem forever and the night is the worst part. all day long i push my thoughts out of my head, unless of course its one of 'those' days, where nothing works to try to move forward. so, i stifle my feelings, and be present for everyone, probably annoying the shit out of people, its like i turn it up to 15 just in case i slip a notch, by the end of the day, i'm just one big exploding emotion. everything slaps me in the face. the anger, the sadness the dark. its just so still around me, and i hate it. so i try to distract myself long enough to try to sleep, but nothing really works, i just cry, i rest and then i finally just get up because all this back and forth with my head and my heart is just annoying.

i just want to feel something different.


  1. You are not annoying anyone. We all love you and know that you are having a tough time. There is no time limit or formula to say when it will get easier. It has been 5 years since I lost Spinner and there are times when I still feel like she is with me. I never stop missing her, even though I have a new baby dog. Animals have a special place and we never get over certain ones. They are our babies and our first real loves. You will get though it, but you will never get all the way over it. He is a piece of you that will always live in your heart. You have people who love you and who loved Frankie to hold you up during these hard times. Love you Duck Face.

  2. I hope this isn't an insensitive suggestion, but have you ever considered fostering a dog for a local shelter? I'm currently fostering one and it's great. You get to have its warm body next to yours and have it waiting for you when you get home, but you don't have to commit fully if you're not ready yet to have another dog of your own. Plus, it makes you feel so great to know that you're keeping it out of a shelter where many dogs become depressed. The little girl I'm fostering now was too depressed to even leave her kennel at the shelter to go on walks, and now she's the happiest dog ever.

  3. I just came across your blog and felt compelled to leave a message. I'm sorry for your loss. Loss is so hard, and it hits all of us differently, and can feel different from day to day. Don't be hard on yourself or beat yourself up for your feelings.

    And if you can (and are so inclined), consider an antidepressant. For me, the benefit wasn't an improved mood or numbness (though that does set in after a while), it was the ability to get a decent night's sleep. It just made it so much more doable to deal with people and to process my feelings once I wasn't living in a haze of sleep deprivation.


what do you think?