to whom it clearly concerns...

my wedding was lovely. it really was a dream.

my marriage is great. sometimes, it needs work, and it needs more fun.

my home is a source of pride and i love it. i am enjoying every minute of decorating it.

met someone the other night, and i don't say this often, this person was completely full of shit. i am the type of person who gives everyone a chance. i don't care who you are, where you come from, or anything like that. just be real. be honest and please, pretty please, don't be full of shit. i have never in my life been so uncomfortable, listening to stories that weren't his to tell, embellishments that had no one fooled, details that seemed just a little out of reach. now, before i appear as a terrible bitch, i do feel bad for this guy. i mean, clearly you're fighting a demon that is in all of us, and some of us bullshit, while others remain silent. i personally opt for the latter. and while my compassion runs deep, and i tend to feel the weight of the world at times, and i too also feel it is unbearable, i don't get this type of behaviour. its toxic, and transparent and i just can't. i suppose the things we tend to dislike in others is usually the things we actually dislike about ourselves. so maybe i saw a little bit of me in him. and i hated it. i think i've been in his shoes, and perhaps i tend to walk a few strides in them as well. we have to try to be better than that. we have to be honest. i have to be honest. there is a part of me that would love to run away and find solitude. every time i go back there, i realize how much we do need each other, even if its hard to bare. we are all in this together. though at times i want to face it alone. i find comfort in those days of solitude. i turn so inward that i can't get out. that i have to just push anyone who is still around me away. i just burrow deeper within, and just hold on to it.  the darkness in all of us runs deep, and its a sad place, with reminders of the things we wanted, the things we lost and those things that keep bringing us back there. its a struggle that we all must face, and i don't envy those who build up these bullshit walls to keep themselves from facing their own darkness. it will come one day, and it will hurt, but it will also pass.

feeling bored these days. work is exciting, but the rest of it seems a little less enthused... could use a good night out, or a great conversation with a great friend. maybe its the change in weather. the pending doom of the summer heat has me feeling a bit unexcited. would love a good shake up, a little danger, or maybe just some good old fashioned fun. any takers?

hello hello!

just a little quickie update, only because i'm just so damn gun shy about this as of late.... i mean, what could i possibly have to offer and put out into the world? i could divulge some of the deep steamy secrets that my clients offer me, but that seems cold and careless. i could tell all about how married life has changed my outlook on life, but has it? i mean, i have this great guy, and he makes everything better, and i can't live with out him, but i still struggle with the day to day anxieties that make me human. i stumble through life with my head up high and my little tits out and i greet each day with high hopes and wait for the ceiling to drop. the ground beneath my feet is still a rocky terrain, but i have a hand at the end of it all, to hold, and to be held, and that dear people, is why i married the man i did. he is my rock, my balance, my heart, my love, my sounding board, and when all is lost, he makes it light.

do you suddenly change when your marital status does? no. you don't. i will tell you that i often times have a life experience, whether it is a conversation, or see something funny, or hear a horrible story, and i realize that later on in the day, i will go into it at about the half way mark, with him and realize he wasn't actually there, and has no fucking clue what i'm talking about. but it was like he was there, and my brain cannot process the fact that he wasn't. he has become and extension of myself. he's part of me. did a wedding and a document binding us by law create these feelings. no. i did.


i'll take this time to introduce you to a dear friend of mine...

she's a rare gem, and a wonderful woman.

go here  http://awellmanneredwoman.tumblr.com/


enjoy.

xo

it has recently been brought to my attention by more than one person that me and my blog are missed.... ok. so for all you friends and whats left of my followers, i will make a triumphant return..... in the mean time, here's a little glimpse of the latest....

xo
t