Its 2 a.m., and like an alarm clock went off, I am awake. Every night without fail, I find myself waiting for my sweet little baby to start crying for me. There is no pattern, or reason with her, just simply that some nights she needs comfort and other nights she doesn't. And just like millions of moms before me, and the millions after me, I will never know why. What I'm about to say may sound like bullshit, but I feel a little defeated on the nights she doesn't cry out. And its never a terrible cry, more like a whimper, or her way of saying she needs a hug. I remember when she was so so tiny and needed me every night, multiple times a night and I would go to her, and feel the weight of her little body on mine, and love the way she splayed out across me. And I remember how she felt so small, and how she would never feel that small again. While, two to three times a night waking and trying to fall back to sleep was actually horrible, they were bittersweet. These nights are fleeting and soon she will be big enough to not need me in the night. But for now she still sometimes does, and despite all the sleep training, I am ok with going to her. I wake up waiting for her to need me. I guess in my efforts to sleep train her, I have conditioned myself to be awake each night. hows that for irony?
Last night, as I lay awake in my bed, listening to her sound machine, a lovely little brook, I waited. And she started to shuffle in her bed, and make sweet little noises. And I waited for the little sounds that let me know she needed me. So, I went to her and held her to me, and comforted her as I do, and I took in how she was getting so big, and how she seemed heavy. My heart broke a little. Her little arms wrapped around me just so, and her little legs now scrunched up instead of stretched out, she felt wonderful even at 3 a.m.
I had a flood of thoughts, and what struck me the most was how incredibly beautiful it is to be able to comfort her. And how she wont' remember any of this, but I will. How sad that she will never understand these feelings until one day she becomes a mom. And then it hit me. There's the rub. This relationship of ours is so complex and so simple all in one breath. Every moment is so sacred, especially the ones that nobody sees. In the darkness of her room, with the sound of flowing water to soothe her her, I fall a little in love with her. And maybe I'm alone in loving our middle of the night rendezvous, but I don't care. Everyone says how fast it goes, and I understand but I don't feel it yet, and for that I am grateful. One day I will have closed my eyes for just a little too long, and she will have grown up, and I will again find myself missing our middle of the night meet ups.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Dearest little one,
I love you, you are my greatest success. Without you I would be lost. In such a short time, you have become the most important reason to live each day to the fullest. My hope is to bring you up in a world that has hope, love and wonderment. Never stop being curious. Always be kind, be compassionate and have patience with other humans. People will be mean, hurtful and cruel. Rise above and stand proudly knowing you can raise your voice for good instead of your fist in opposition. Love blindly, with an open heart. Use logic, but listen to your gut. When the day comes for you to spread your delicate wings and fly out on your own adventure, be brave. It takes a lot of courage to go out into the unknown. You're not alone. I am always with you, and you are always with me. Even in your darkest moments when the weight of the world feels like it will crush your soul, I will be there to shed some light. When you feel like all you've done is fail, and maybe you have, it's ok. You will find the right path again. And when the time comes for you to come home and reboot, that's ok too. You are my wild, don't forget to live. You are my treasure, don't forget your worth. You are my heart, and I love you.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
met someone the other night, and i don't say this often, this person was completely full of shit. i am the type of person who gives everyone a chance. i don't care who you are, where you come from, or anything like that. just be real. be honest and please, pretty please, don't be full of shit. i have never in my life been so uncomfortable, listening to stories that weren't his to tell, embellishments that had no one fooled, details that seemed just a little out of reach. now, before i appear as a terrible bitch, i do feel bad for this guy. i mean, clearly you're fighting a demon that is in all of us, and some of us bullshit, while others remain silent. i personally opt for the latter. and while my compassion runs deep, and i tend to feel the weight of the world at times, and i too also feel it is unbearable, i don't get this type of behaviour. its toxic, and transparent and i just can't. i suppose the things we tend to dislike in others is usually the things we actually dislike about ourselves. so maybe i saw a little bit of me in him. and i hated it. i think i've been in his shoes, and perhaps i tend to walk a few strides in them as well. we have to try to be better than that. we have to be honest. i have to be honest. there is a part of me that would love to run away and find solitude. every time i go back there, i realize how much we do need each other, even if its hard to bare. we are all in this together. though at times i want to face it alone. i find comfort in those days of solitude. i turn so inward that i can't get out. that i have to just push anyone who is still around me away. i just burrow deeper within, and just hold on to it. the darkness in all of us runs deep, and its a sad place, with reminders of the things we wanted, the things we lost and those things that keep bringing us back there. its a struggle that we all must face, and i don't envy those who build up these bullshit walls to keep themselves from facing their own darkness. it will come one day, and it will hurt, but it will also pass.