sooooo, lately i've been thinking and reflecting about my past lives, and how i came to be who i am today. of course who we choose to surround ourselves with influences who we are and our choices and really help lay down some of the foundation that helps mold who we will become. that being said, i have had people floating in and out of my life since the beginning. this is not to say that i haven't had some constants running along with me every step of the way, from various starting points. however there have been those who came in for short stints of time and made either grand exits or just drifted along. others, i've simply thrown out of my life never to return. and of course there are those that sneak back in from time to time only to remind me to make better choices.
lately i've been a little wrapped up in the idea of who i am today, and how i became me. not in a scientific way, but like, what makes me, and who i am and who i date and who my friends are. first, this thought won't stop running around my mind so i have to put it out there or i'm going to go crazy. i would be so bold to say that half the guys i've dated i wouldn't date now. in other words, i've come to a place now where i think i can actually see past all the smoke and mirrors and the cast of characters that i dated, or had as boyfriends wouldn't last a second in my life now. is this evolution?? not to say they are these terrible thugs with snaggle teeth or whatever, its just that who i am now wouldn't put up with their crap. funny to think about, cause i'm sure that those guys have changed and matured (let us hope) and have become these really great guys with the world just sitting there waiting for them to take over, or something like that. however for me, i will always see them for what they were and who they were. i can say that there are some people that i've had the pleasure of staying in touch with and have seen the shift happen. its truly a case of a boy becoming a man, even if he's in his late 20 or even mid thirties, it does happen, and i'm not blind to this reality, just my reality is a little more real.
now that i got that out, i have to say that the same goes for the ladies in and out of my life. to all the girls, have you ever suffered a lady friend break up? its probably the worst thing you will ever go thru. your closest friends turning on you, walking out and slamming doors, saying things or not that just cut through your soul? yea, its awful. those are the people that will forever remain cold and isolated in a place and will never be allowed to get close to me again. never ever have i suffered so much pain then when some of my friendships fell apart. ladies, when will we ever stop being cunts to each other?
ok, i think i got it all out. i should end with life is good and currently full of love. i'm in a good balance.