Saturday, January 24, 2009
when i was a little girl. i imagined that i was so small. so tiny. that i could slip through the cracks of the walls. that if i thought about it for a long enough period of time, that i could just disappear into another world. i knew deep in my heart that the cracks were just small portals that could take you away to far far places. i would sit and stare. not moving a muscle. sliding away.... sometimes i would catch myself. sometimes i would slowly drift. my imagination had absolutely no boundaries, and i loved it. i could speak every language i could think of. i would even make them up. i had my very own, that only i understood. i would speak, and not one other person would know what i was saying. except for those few on the other side of the cracks. i believed this with every ounce of my being. i would whisper as i would sit closer to the walls. making sure that no body was hearing my little secrets. in my head i had all the answers of the universe. as would any child.
i can still smell his cologne. it clings to every little tiny follicle deep within my nasal cavity. drakkar noir. it was in a smooth black bottle. unmistakable. it had a musky smell. something that made my heart skip a beat. it was the summer of 89' and i was deeply in love. but at age 12, what girl wasn't? he was so cool. the coolest boy in middle school, and he liked me. he wanted to hold my hand when we walked in the halls. he wanted to slow dance, with an appropriate distance between us. he picked me. and i was sucker punched with something i've never felt before. i had horrible hair and even worse fashion sense. remember those denim shorts that had material coming out the leg holes to look like boxers were under them? yea, those ones. and a matching short sleeved jean jacket. yet, fashion, hair, or even any type of social skills didn't seem to matter. my mom would drop me off over at his house, while his parents were home, of course. and we would watch movies and hold hands. but that one day, we went for a walk. and he kissed me. a sweet little peck. i melted.
i sat on my couch one time for so long that i started to mold myself into it. i just sat there and tried not to move. not a single fiber of my being so much as even twitched. i just sat very very still. i even had an itch, and i just waited for it to pass. and it did. from time to time i say a word out loud so many times that after a while it doesn't mean anything. it sounds foreign. sometimes the daily routine starts to wear on you, and you have to switch it up. sometimes, when no body is looking, i'll walk a little funny. or maybe move in an awkward way doing an ordinary task, just to feel unique. its a must. i can't do it any other way. and other times i just want to blend in. looking forward to days of laying in the grass and watching the clouds change shape. watching the single leaf fall from a tree and begin its journey across the street, and down the way. my favorite time of day is when the sky turns all shades of pink. its so bright and so beautiful. you want to watch it for a while, but you eventually have to look away. i see the stars starting to come out, when the moon and the sun are in the same sky. like time has to hurry up, the day must end, the night has a very important date. and then the stillness of night. the oh so quietness. its quite lovely.