Thursday, June 18, 2009
the other day i walked into a public bathroom. it smelled like the inside of a crayon. or at least, what i imagine it would be like to be inside a crayon. that's when it occurred to me that i have a tendency to use the first stall in the bathroom. i used to be more of a third or fourth stall girl, but i heard somewhere that the first stall is the one less likely used, and therefore has less likelihood of containing any diseases.
and then the other night, i had a conversation with someone about how i feel they have neglected my facebook page, and that the needy child within me would like some attention. i found this to be both hilarious with a touch of sad. i was joking, wasn't i?
i remember not too long ago, before i was struck with all this anxiety, that i wish i could just get out of my head. i wish i could slow my mind. i still wish for these things. but lately, i've been all up in my head. i've been having the most amazing dreams lately. vivid colours with the most bizarre circumstances. but i have been remembering the details as if it was something that had really happened. i was told that the colours represent some chaos in my life right now, and that all the situations are of me being uncertain, yet in control. i'm going to have to dig a little deeper to understand, but i'm so excited to be dreaming again.
if i was handed 10,000 dollars, my knee jerk response would be to buy a house. but my inner gypsy, says, no no no. my desire to learn new tricks says to put it in the bank, and spend it as needed on school. i ran into an old friend the other day at the gym. he used to be an old neighbor of mine, but he bought a house a few years ago. he loves/hates it. apparently i'm not the only one with an inner gypsy. he loves the idea of owning a house, but mentioned at least twice, that he feels tied down. now, feeling tied down, is a sure fire way to make me lose my mind. i think some where in the back of my head i really think i may move again. i play into this idea of leaving florida, and heading back west. but, yet, its not clear.
i've recently been handed some freedom. it feels like a light. i don't feel the obligation of being a constant daughter to my mother anymore. i have to say that this pressure was weighing on me. i love my mother very much, but i like my sanity better. not to put those things in the same sentence, but i need to love her from a little further away. no harm intended, just protecting whats left of my sanity.
i've been making light of my current mental state, and i think humor is the best way to deal with things. certain things anyways. so, yes, if you ask me to go out, and i say i can't, its because i feel mentally ill. however, i like my quiet nights. i like my clear mindedness. and i'm not about to give that up. i've been caffeine free for about 3 months. and alcohol is history as well. i can say that i don't miss it. mental clarity is the new black.