Friday, May 1, 2009

creeping my way back from the dead. the dizzy spins are down to a minimum. and i think i've got a handle on things....

so, here's the story, and then i want to talk about happy shit.

ok, ready? i nearly fainted. twice. at work. my mom and i saw an assortment of nurses, doctors and such. thought it was just dehydration and hunger. chalked it up to my super model diet. this is a joke. i eat. i swear i eat. so, days later, same scenario, only this time i have a break down. thought it was anxiety, from debt, work, recent break up, etc... not so fast, cause all weekend, dizzy episodes, can't drive, can't sit up for long stretches... nothing is working. so, my dad drives me to the doctor. i get a cat scan, an echo and a fancy little heart monitor to wear for a 24 hour period. lovely. so far everything has come back 'normal'. i have a heart murmur but this is unrelated. so, me and my team of doctors, jewish mothers (two counting the step mom) concerned father, friends, and loved ones, we've narrowed it down to a few things.... its either a really shitty reaction to birth control, a viral beast that had to run its course mixed with anxiety. or all of the above. i'm completely off coffee, i would ingest lavender in doses if i could and thought it would help with the heart palps. so, no, i don't know what the hell was/is wrong with me. i just hope with all my little beating heart, it never ever comes back again.

this little forced vacation from work was many things. at first stressful. then relaxing, and of course now its habit. anything you get used to for more than 3 days becomes normal, right? so i will be going back to work on tuesday. and i couldn't be happier. this laying around crap is for the birds. i mean, i'm a pro after this summer, but its not like i missed that time or anything. i am so feeling the love from my co workers... in the form of flowers!!!

if you look closely, you can see a little guy named frankie...

mid week, dad swooped in and saved the day. gave me some good news, and took a huge load off my ass. i feel lighter now. and a bit of my stress, that i clearly don't know how to deal with, is gone! woo hoo, thanks dad.

its times like these that you really learn alot about the people you have around you. i gotta say, i am ever so grateful for those ones that drove my ass around, and asked me everyday, multiple times if i was ok. the ones that helped me trouble shoot, and of course never letting me forget the secret....

i could complain, but i won't. i feel blessed to know that this will pass, and that my health is restored, and i now feel empowered to do more with my life. its a lesson, that i needed to learn. i've also started making lists. i got a notebook some time ago, with the intent to keep a dream journal. but lately i haven't been sleeping enough to recall anything. so, i started making my journal into a list book.

i made a 'fuck it' list. which is basically a list of things to do now. while you are alive and well. its genius. i've been writing down places i want to go. and i mean, locally people. like, if i drive by a place i want to goto, i write it down, and make a point to hit it. i list all the things i have to do on a sheet that says 'today'. when i've achieved all those things, i tear it out. it helps. try it...

so to end this on a positive note, i want to say thank you, and that i love you. we have such capabilities to endure so much. and sometimes when we get away from ourselves we just start to spin, and sometimes we end up out of control. i think it was time for me to pull on the reigns a bit, and slow down. lesson learned.


  1. Hey girl, I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. See you next week.

  2. great blog! Hang in there sweetheart! X's and O's!

  3. sometimes i think i make endless to-do list after endless to-do list just to bum myself out. the "today" list sounds like a much better alternative that i really need to try.


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