Saturday, February 28, 2009

yes i am hungry. yes i am tired. and no, i don't want to take a nap. just when i thought things were looking up, i was killed by a bomb while carrying my small child through the village. so, i turned the page and decided to goto england, and delay my education.

a friend of mine bought me a great book. remember those choose your own adventure stories? well, its pretty much that, put into modern real life scenarios. its amusing, and frustrating all at the same time. i relate.

i feel a little pent up. i have a time bomb ticking away inside me and i don't know what to do. i feel a bit on edge, and i can't relax. i'm confused and annoyed by everything and i don't understand the meaning of life and why we are here anymore. i never actually did. my insides are clawing away at my soul. i want to shake this, but i can't figure out where its all coming from.

somewhere between today and forever ago, i tripped up the wires. this book, much like how i'm feeling is all about confusion. i question everything these days. but isn't that what you are supposed to do? my future is looming. and i feel like its all happening very very fast. i feel the pressure from the outside and i don't want it to touch me. i keep avoiding things, and i shove them under the bed to deal with another day. one day i will wake up with my nose touching the ceiling from the junk piling up.

what happened to the easy stuff?

ok, its not that bad, i'm just trying to let the stuff out. i'm oozing and now youre taking it all in, and i feel like i've done enough of that. i've put out enough forest fires. i'm tired, i'm hungry but i can't sleep.

and now to sound like a broken record. i broke my foot, and it broke my heart. everything about this damn foot is fucking up my life. my back is killing me from walking funny. i love my work, but its killing me. i love my boyfriend. i'm tired of telling him my foot and my back hurt. now my head hurts.

i'm bitching. i'm angry and its ok. i'm allowed to be a bit pissed off right now. i feel cranky. yes i want a cookie. what i really want is to go back and change my mind on a few things. can't i just flip back to the part where i get to start from a bad choice and change it? no? why? no do-overs.

such is life. you only have one so i hear. i want to live a little. i'd like to get caught in one of those movie sequences where everyone is running, and laughing and holding balloons, and some great song is playing in the background, and cupcakes are everywhere and birds are singing and you get a puppy and your dear sweet grandma is waiting for you..... i would like that.

so, its not so bad. getting the junk out clears up some space for the good stuff. say yes, smile. be pleasant. play fair. give. give more. reach. learn, grow, be gracious. laugh til your cheeks hurt. and of course love. always love.

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