there are a few things that i have come to learn about myself. sometimes lessons come easily, and other times you have to pound it home. i'm not the type of person who can just sit and watch stuff fall apart. it destroys me, and i refuse to not take action. and while i'm quite aware that my actions are sometimes labeled 'cold' or 'harsh', i cant really change that. i suppose its who i am. have mercy on your poor, tortured soul if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of such treatment. however, if you do find yourself there, i'm pretty sure there is good reason. in my thirty-something years, i can honestly say that i rarely act unjustly, or with out reason. if you piss me off, well, i will stew and simmer and eventually boil over.

i've also learned that when i drink i come down with a sudden case of turrets. its absolutely ridiculous. words just fly out of my mouth, and i have no control. i just spew things, whether random, related, or just off the wall, and the sad part? i can usually never remember anything i say. and for that matter, what the other person has said. so please, no heart to hearts while drinking. and if for some reason it does happen, please recap with me when i'm sober, and preferably not hung over. thank you.

what happens to lust? i mean, everyone wants to know what happens to love when a relationship ends, but where does the lust go? are we really cut out for this long term type thing? and i'm not saying i'm against marriage, or commitment. anyone who knows me even a little, can say that i tend to be a serial monogamist. but where does the lust disappear to? or is it that i just get bored, lose interest, or sadly, is it supposed to be temporary? like, you get all excited about seeing someone, and you are overly turned on at the simple idea of them, and then you start spending every minute with them, and before you know it, you've hit a fucking wall. whats the secret? i talk to people all day long and i find acceptance is what i'm looking at. and thats fine, as long as happiness and fulfillment are right along with it. however, the true believer in me, wants to know if there is another way.

since i moved into my new little tree house, i've had this overwhelming sense of happiness. i think i was stuck in a rut and bringing down anyone who dared to cross my path. i have a few goals i'm working on, and i'm going to stay on them. however, i also have a birthday looming. i have only a few plans in the works, hopefully more to come, we shall see. what i really want? to be surrounded by friends and family and people who make me laugh. a good night out with some dancing would be lovely. maybe even some karaoke, if the mood strikes me.

a vacation would be nice. anyone feel like whisking me away?