Monday, July 19, 2010

ever get the feeling like nobody gets it? lately i feel so guarded, so protective that the only ones who are really getting in are the many different versions of myself, david and my acupuncturist. and let me just say, thank the heavens above for their endless ability to give me guidance, protection and strength. i'm in transition, i'm floating and changing, and feeling a little lost. i want to talk about the series of events that have led up to this, but its just a waste of energy to re-cap. so i'm just going to apologize for not giving up to much of the past details, and just say that i'm working on a brighter light. spending time at home, nesting and preparing to make the next nest is all i'm focusing my energy on. i feel so close to david right now, he's my guardian, my heart and he has no idea how much i'm leaning on him, probably cause i'm much to proud to say so. i want to scream at times, but only to let the negativity out. i'm done with it. i'm spent. i'm tired of the buzzing around, its making me dizzy. i've created a little bubble for myself where i feel safe and sound. with no apologies, this bubble will protect me from further harm.

to whom it may concern:

i'm tired of sending out bad thoughts in your direction, who ever you are. where ever you are. you drain me. you disgust me and i'm better than this. you can't come near me, i'm bigger than you and i'll always be just out of reach to you. the thought of you no longer even causes an ounce of emotions. to me you are dead. and with that i celebrate your funeral, and i bask in the weightlessness i now feel.

to david:

my heart i give to you with out hesitation. my soul is yours for however long this world will have me. in my past, i lived many lives with you, and many more will follow. i believe this is how the world works. with a collective memory of all those before us, and the likely hood of finding the same love all over again, in so many different ways is the only reason to continue to live life. with all the aggressions, differences, and bullshit, if you have the chance to feel love then its all really worth it. i have to believe this.

i'm a very lucky person. i feel lucky to have so many different relationships in my life, my mother, father, friends, and my david. all having ups and downs, all coming full circle whether now or in another time. its all been very educational. and yet i continue to learn and grow and just when i think i get it, another lesson unfolds before me.

1 comment:

what do you think?