Friday, April 2, 2010

it was some night, some time ago. but if felt like today. it was a very large round dinner table, with beautiful, yet generic white linens. i was seated next to david, and we were enjoying a lovely meal. however, i was in a hospital bed, and so was scarlet johanson. she was wearing a white tshirt, and nothing else. of course i was in a shitty hospital gown. there was a violin, and a harp, maybe even a piano. the room was vast, yet sterile, sorta like a hospital room, turned into a set, turned into a dinner party. oh, and me and scarlet were pregnant, naturally. we were discussing the ins and outs of labor and delivery, and i was for some reason quite knowledgeable. i think it was my third time around, cause all of sudden, these little half Asian children were around, and they were mine. they of course didn't speak, but i knew they belonged to me.

suddenly, her water broke, and i took the news as calm as if someone said, 'seinfeld is on'. but she was walking down the hall, only in a white tshirt that was now soaked from the waist down. she was walking in a way that one usually does to avoid stepping in puddles. she calmly walked into a banquet room, in the now hotel/mall we were at. when suddenly i was walking out of some shop, and i laid on the ground, and i gave birth. but then i woke up.....

any questions? any answers?? anyone??

i've been reading a book, that is very interesting. its called, 'two is enough'. its about couples who choose to be child free. its actually pretty bizarre to read something that i can completely identify with. i mean, i've never really wanted children, but how do i know for sure? its such a touchy subject, and i find it hard to talk about with most women. at least, woman around my mothers age that have had kids, and can't even fathom not having grand kids. i mean, i thought this lady's face was going to fall off when i told her i don't think i want kids. it was almost as if i told her i was a leper. maybe next time i should tell them some really shitty news first, so that when i hit them with the no kids part, its almost a relief.... just a thought.

i think my book is influencing my dreams, that and i'm surrounded by mommies. i feel the pressure ladies, and i just don't know if i wanna drink the kool-aid. i love kids, and they seem to be very interested in me, but i don't know if that's enough to warrant having my own. oh, and lets not forget that lovely 'you'll regret it'... i know, i might regret it. but lemme just say this, shit happens.

so, just for research's sake, i joined an online group of childless by choice adults called 'no kidding!'. no shit. so far, i'm not too impressed. i go on the site, and i don't really see the appeal of meeting up with a bunch of people and hanging out, and reflecting on not having kids. seems kinda shallow. and on that note, i think when you tell people you don't want kids, that's the first thing that pops up. i am not a self centered bitch, i just have a different path. for now anyways.

i'm going to finish the book, keep up with the club, but mostly, i'm just going to live my life.


  1. about 5 years ago, i was content not having kids. I had "the talk" with my parents and was more than happy seeing myself live in NY with my adopted baby. That was 5 years thoughts have changed, fell inlove with a great person and would kove to have a baby bundle with him. Guess its all about time... either way there is no wrong answer inmy eyes :)

  2. gosh, wish i knew what the frickfrack.... that dream is about?!! heavy!!!

    last night i dreamt my housemates boyfriend was/is my therapists son. ironically that made her asian, as well since he's asian. in real life she is not. i like her asian switch was part of the new asian character on vampire diaries who is a real no nonsense "bitch."

    this kids thing is complicated. i want the pregnancy experience and then the kids from age two on up. the baby part? i worry about...

  3. girl, I identify with you on every level... - kim


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