Monday, January 18, 2010

it has been far too long since i've spilled my guts out here for the world to see. or at least the few loyal friends that check this spot frequently. anyways... here we go...

lately i've been watching sex and the city dvds. i started in the beginning and i'm going to watch it through til the end. i'm really into sarah jessica parker right now. yes, the hair, but i'm sorta obsessed with her eyebrows. they are amazing. i also noticed that episodes from season one are pretty lame. the hair, the clothing, the topics, and i still don't get the whole thing with mr. big. anyways, its been a fun time sucker.

i've been spending alot of time getting my ass in gear. i've decided that 33 is the year for finally getting into shape. i'm back at pilates, i'm running and even sprinting a bit. of course i'm only up to 2 miles, and its on a treadmill, but rome wasn't built in a day. it feels really good to feel strong again. of course, i would like to see the results a bit quicker, but i guess that's what being american is all about. on that note, i spent and evening with some girlfriends recently. and my one friend was telling me how the happiest people in the world live in holland. she was saying how the people over there, are very modest with not alot of stuff to clutter up there homes. clearly they have the necessities, but noting fancy, and nothing over done. they also have far less crime, and i'm sure less fat people. i've heard that the scandinavian countries are the places where the thinnest people live. everyone eats, and lives with out over consumption. sounds good too me. of course i'm sitting here surrounded by shit that i'm sure i dont need, and certainly can't take with me when i'm gone. i've gotten rid of stuff and purged, but somehow i re accumulate.

my step sister moved to israel, and she needs furniture. so she's going to ikea. weird, right?

i think my island days are over. i don't think i'm really into that scene anymore. i think i was more in love with the idea of it than the reality of it. i'm feeling a little dark these days, and i am enjoying the mysterious side of life. i have only one creature to thank for this. my beloved.

i can say with out any hesitation, that i have never met a man quite like this before. he's sweet, charming, kind, a lover, a friend, sexy, smart, nurturing, silly, (are you gaging yet??) i could go on and on and on. but to put it in the most simplest terms, he's my love, and my heart.

life is oh so good. i feel silly again. i feel girly, i want to paint my nails and curl my hair. perhaps not so literal, but i think you get the idea. i cut off all my hair and with it all my past negativity. all the energy was dragging me down. i feel light like. even though the feeling is fantastic, i miss the idea of having hair, so i'm going to grow it back out. long long long. longer than ever. and here's the kicker.... i'm going to try not to colour it during this process...

my great aunt is turning 99. i cannot even wrap my brain around that. all the things she's seen and done, and lived through. i mean, she's outlived all her friends, all the people that are her peers now are new friends, or kids of old friends. she never had children. i wonder if she feels regret about that. its seems everywhere i look people are pregnant. at least every week, someone i know announces a pregnancy or gives birth. its a little scary to me. my love and i have had that talk, and sadly we just talk in circles. i'm at the age where this is something normal to do. but i just can't seem to conjure of the feelings to do it. i don't know if i will ever. i guess i'm waiting to wake up one day, and feel one of two ways:

1. i must have a baby
2. i forgot to have a baby

i suppose if i just wake up pregnant one day, that will be that, and i'll have a kid. but just those words, i'll have a kid kinda make my heart stop. i've decided this, and then i'm getting of this kid talk. i want to experience being pregnant. i want to have a birth. but, i don't know if i want the life long commitment of caring for a child. i guess what i mean, and i swear i'm wrapping this up, is that i'm not sure that i'm ready to give up my life. i want to live my life without limitations. i have fantasies about traveling the world, and living all over, and well, i've never fantasized about have a child in that picture.

ok ok ok..... done.

so, my head is buzzing. my goals for this year are to remain present. sit up straight, get fit, and fall deeper in love.



  1. I think you just made me hungry for eggs. Is that gross?

  2. i like your goals! mine is to save $10k. ps the dutch are super super boring.

  3. your goals are yours to own! I want to Curtsey when I greet people this year...yeap, thats all. I will find a way to do it, even in Leggings.


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