once upon a time, there was a little girl who had a beautiful dream. it was a fantasy, and it was absolutely wonderful. she dreamed of love, and happiness and all things bliss. of course, that little girl grew up and sadly, woke up. you just can't fight with reality. its something that just happens, and you have to learn to use your armour, or you stand the risk of being impaled, repeatedly. i just can't help but think that most of the time my intentions are in the right place. who doesn't love to get 'caught up' in the fantasy? i know that its hard for me to resist. i just glow and smile and feel all warm all over. i feel safe in my head. i suppose after 32 years a girl would wake the fuck up and realize that, that shit ain't right. its like something within me that i can't control. and then, and here's the rub, once i become aware that the reality is never, ever going to be like the dreams i have, i'm utterly deflated. i become bitter, and resentful. sorta like a how could you type of thing. how dare you ruin my fantasy! evil bastard. i feel safe in knowing that my current fantasy is following suit. i wouldn't want any interruptions in this wonderful pattern i've created. i also know he'll probably never see this, and be none the wiser...
so, here i am. i'm left feeling flat, somewhat not myself. sorta like someone has pulled the plug. just when i was really starting to fall, happily into place in a cozy little situation, i suddenly feel like it has changed. there was a shift, and i wasn't quite aware of it. its sorta like being sideswiped. you're just cruising along, enjoying the day, engulfed in bliss, dreaming, and then BAM! some motherfucker hits you right in the side with a whole different point of view. a much less glittery, less blissful, and far less wonderful version of your dream. and that my friends is what we call reality. what a bitch.
so, the damage is done, and you have a choice to make. do you take it to the shop and try to estimate the cost of repairs, knowing good and well, that it will never run like new. or, do you just total the whole thing, and hope to find a new one?
its a toss up. its a tough call.
so here i am. left with a proceed with caution warning label stuck on my forehead. and i think for now, thats just what i'm going to do. i'll mimic the movements and gestures, but never give more that i'm offered. not in my nature, but times are tough, and i'm not going to give up. i'll put up a good fight. won't be the first, and i'm sure not the last.
welcome to my heart.
i've never been able to turn myself off to love, no matter how bruised and bloodied and bitter it has made me. i've met so many people over the years who are able to do this, and though at my bitterest moments i am envious of them, for the most part i wouldn't change myself.. and when the bitterness passes, i ultimately feel sorry for those people. because when you turn yourself off, you're shielding yourself from future pain, but you're also shielding yourself from any future happiness. i try to always wear my heart on my sleeve and be open and in punch drunk love with every new person who enters my life (not forcibly, i simply allow myself to feel what i'm feeling without trying to stifle it with "rationality" and "life lessons"). only by doing that will you either a. be able to say "it didn't work, but i put all of myself into it and truly tried, so c'est la vie time to move on" with some closure in your heart, or b. it will work out, which it would have never done had you not been open and willing and thrown yourself into it. i feel like i'm rambling and none of this makes sense, but don't let the bitterness take over. get up, shake it off, and bravely wear your heart on your sleeve. one day you will thank yourself, and all the bullshit and heartache you endured to get there will melt away..
ReplyDelete