...as the meds kick in, and as my mind slowly eases up on its grip of death of my soul, i am left with only my observations. today i feel the anxiety bubbling up and trying to get out, but i can feel the weight of the drugs pushing it back down. its all internal. its all of my own creation and i can't seem to find the source. i didn't ask for this, and i certainly don't want it, but it is me and i'm fighting the good fight. i usually am not one to quickly just give in to the western world's ideas of just 'take two and call me in the morning' mentality, but i am desperate. i reached my breaking point while driving on the 408 and nearly wrecked my car at only 40 mph. i gave in when i can no longer be who i am and work and play and not suddenly feel as if i'm going to die, choke or have a seizure. when i look at people and start to realize they are sideways and i'm spinning, i'd say its time to trust the good doctors and just take the drugs. somethings are bigger than myself, and i believe this is one of them. as i sit here and my heart races, i know i'm going to one day look back and not understand why this all happened at this time in my life when, everything was lined up and working out wonderfully. why now? why me? what the hell is this? why can't i go into a room and feel calm? i can't sit a restaurant and enjoy my meal because i can't swallow foods with out gaging on them.
its as real to me as the grass and the sky and it is very frightening. i find comfort in those that have been here and back. hearing their stories and knowing i'm not alone. i know this is not permanent, but its hard to see a light when you feel so left in the dark. i feel safe at home, and when i'm around those that set me at ease. i know that 'normal' situations will become less of a panic for me in the days to come. my patience is being tested. my life feels like its on hold, but i am ok with that. its time to stop and smell the roses. its time to let go of whatever it is that has got me frozen.
looking forward to the light of a new day. holding on tightly to whatever is left of myself. waiting to feel myself in my skin again.