fine little mess

2012-02-01T10:49:00.003-05:00

i don't have too many pet peeves, but i do have a few that totally annoy me to the point of anger. probably in the top five, and maybe even in the number one slot is when the cashier, any cashier hands me back my change and my receipt all in one hand. ok, so there i am, fumbling around with some coins, and some paper money and a piece of paper i really don't want. first, i have to dump the change into the assigned compartment of my wallet, (link is for a visual, and my boyfriend got me this for christmas, and its just fucking fabulous. so is he) then, i have to separate the paper money from the receipt, which i don't even want and then, i have to get everything nice and neat into my wallet, zip it up in a timely fashion as to not hold up the very impatient woman behind me surrounded by small children, screaming for cookies, one strapped to her back, with snot dripping down her shirt. so, my point is, and i do have one... can we PLEASE start a movement for cashiers to simply put the receipt in the bag? i mean, i actually am overly joyous when they ask me if that's what i want, cause you bet your sweet aunt sally i do!! i've even starting telling the cashiers i don't want the receipt just so i can avoid all this whole internal drama. i know its a small thing, but i'm not talking about world problems here. i'm talking about a simple thing. yes i know this screams #whitegirlproblems but hey, i'm human, and its all about the little things... right?

2012-01-30T08:43:00.000-05:00

....soon, so soon.... sigh.

2012-01-27T17:39:00.001-05:00

and now, back to our regularly programmed bullshit..

2012-01-26T10:35:00.005-05:00

so, break ups are the pits. like, the bottom of a slimy barrel where a body was decomposing. the smell of horse shit sprinkled with monkey shit, and then some elephant shit. its moldy bread. so, on top of all that, add in really fucking childish behavior, and voila, you have a really fucking bad time. *names have been changed to protect the innocent. other names were kept to fully disclose the assholes*

so, my sweet friend, *trina was just minding her business, enjoying her relationship a Rob Wright. when all of a sudden, it occurred to *trina what a distant fuck he's being, and how odd he's behaving. *trina began to wonder if it was something she did wrong, but alas, by the powers that be, it turns out Rob Wright, a local fireman, was have 'relations' with this BITCH. not only relations, he fucking sent her a plane ticket to come visit him. for a long weekend. did i mention he was still in a relationship with my sweet, dear friend *trina???? unbelievable, yes, but it did in fact happen... needless to say, Rob Wright is a really lame excuse for "an american hero" and if my house was on fire, he's the last person i'd want helping me. his behaviour is not only childish and stupid, its hurtful and selfish... please feel free to email him, often with your opinion of him, and his wrongful behavior...

wright.rob.j@gmail.com

also, feel free to message this BITCH and tell her to stay away from taken men. oh, did i forget to mention that, this guy, Rob Wright was married once before, if you can believe it, and cheated on his poor wife with this girl?? its like, what the fuck, she's a home wrecker, and clearly has no respect for her lady kind.

ok, carry on...

2012-01-24T11:22:00.002-05:00

i stumbled across this picture the other day, and it actually made my eyebrows raise, with an, ''oh, i totally forgot about these two'', type of way. so young and innocent, well, sorta... anyways, it was kinda fun, like revisiting an old snap shot you have on your facebook. ever log into myspace, and click through just to see whats what? i personally went on there months ago, just to grab up some old photos of me, and some of frankie. sometimes i look through my old pictures from when i was just a kid, and just stare at the ones of my parents. they look so beautiful. especially my mom. every once in a while i'll look at a picture of my parents and have that same eyebrow raise and same passing thought about them being together. was it ever good? i mean, for them. i know it was good for me, and then it wasn't, and it got bad really fast. like, a fight or two later, and the d word was being tossed around. don't worry, no sad endings here today.... i have the best possible relationship with both of them. seriously, if they had to split up for us to go down a hellish journey to only land right where we are, then so be it.

2012-01-23T08:28:00.001-05:00

2012-01-18T07:06:00.002-05:00

say what you will, but i think they are lovely together, to watch, and to admire. i'm sure they have flaws, and cuss and fight and probably only have sex about once a week, if they're lucky, but to me, they seem perfect. i guess im thinking about this because matt and i are just a few days away from making it a solid year. oh, what a fucking year. major ups laced with some major downs. clearly, the good outweighs the bad, and i am so grateful to have such a strong, patient, caring, loving, understanding man in my life who not only loves me when i'm at my worst, but showers me with affectionate words and reminds me why i love him so much as i do. maybe we don't have millions of dollars, or a heard of kids, or have some world saving cause to back up, but in my little world, matt and i are celebrities. i mean, if you can't be famous in your own life, what's the point of this life? i look forward to the future, remember the past, and embrace the present.
xo

2012-01-16T17:39:00.000-05:00

ain't gonna lie. bitch looks fabulous.

2012-01-14T13:26:00.000-05:00

Air: Moon Rock on Nowness.com.

trippy goodness

2012-01-12T10:59:00.003-05:00

i love her.

2012-01-07T09:01:00.001-05:00

i totally forgot to brush my teeth the other day. i checked my phone, checked my bag, took a few laps around the house, then checked my phone again. it finally hit me later on in the day. it made me feel soooo exposed.

#truestory

2012-01-02T21:31:00.001-05:00

oh, its on bitch.

2011-12-31T10:27:00.004-05:00

good hair, good tits.

2011-12-28T10:29:00.002-05:00

i'm pretty sure this was filmed at parliment house. its my new favorite gay anthem, and i wish i was in this video. on roller skates. dusted in gold.

2011-12-28T07:05:00.001-05:00

matt and i both purchased glitter wrapping paper. there is glitter on every surface of our house. seriously. everywhere.

2011-12-26T08:19:00.003-05:00

made out like a bandit on christmas. santa was good to me, and by santa i mean matt. he's the best. really, the best. its totally a big deal too because he was losing hair and sleep over what to get me. well, it paid off! i'm seriously blown away. so, high fives all around for mister matt!

so, in roughly a month he and i will have been together, blissfully for a whole year. so, we decided we are going to have an anniversary party. we've been putting off having a party since i moved in and now that the weather (fingers crossed) seems to be headed into a nicer,cooler direction, why the hell not! food, drinks, music, dancing, and probably some horrible karaoke. i'm inviting everybody i know. i really don't even care if only like 5 people show up cause, i can do all of the above with matt, and its a fucking party. for real.

looking forward to the new year. lets face it, this year has had ups and some of the lowest downs ever. moving right along.....

i hope everyone reading this had a wonderful holiday, whichever one you hold dear, hoping it was full of food, love and laughter. mostly just love.
xo

2011-12-24T12:43:00.000-05:00

merry hannukah. or whatever.

2011-12-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

2011-12-20T08:03:00.002-05:00

despite matt's denial, i heard the most outstanding information on the radio. apparently, men, but not most according to matt have masturbated with a dead arm. in other words, woke up to find that one of their arms had fallen asleep, and then used the dead arm to bring out a certain climatic situation.... the whole dead arm feeling like someone else is doing it, i get that, but the reality is something i keep thinking about. i keep laughing about it, to myself. i want to take a poll of those who have and those who have not. this would be for my own curiosity. and of course to prove once again, that men are total freaks.

2011-12-19T08:33:00.001-05:00

i would wear this every day. seriously, everyday.

2011-12-18T17:21:00.001-05:00

2011-12-15T11:08:00.002-05:00

dear santa,

i know its getting close to the wire, but i really can't think of anything i really really want this year. you see, i have just about everything i need. i mean, i want a new car, new running shoes, a few new books to read, maybe even a weird little doll that looks like some kind of reject from the set of marie antoinette, super long hair with no split ends, amazing 6 pack abs, a super high tight ass, and a shopping spree. so, you see santa, other than that, i have just about everything i need. i have shelter, a warm hearted man who loves me, i have great friends, a great family, love my job, and besides from my bum foot, life is pretty fucking great. sorry santa, the fucking is for emphasis.

let the merriment begin!

2011-12-14T11:36:00.002-05:00

looks like shit, right? yea, well don't worry, i'll only be there a week in february....

#hellyesthankyouverymuchcan'tcomequickenough

2011-12-13T07:44:00.001-05:00

2011-12-11T18:20:00.002-05:00

... cause brunette is one of my favorite colours...

2011-12-10T18:04:00.002-05:00

this is Corinne and her son, baby g. Corinne lives in Florida, he lives in Ethiopia. you see, its actually incredibly complicated and costly to bring him home to her. in fact, she's been on this journey of love for about a year or so. she finally made it over so that they could spend some much needed time together. you can read all about it here ... go ahead, i'll wait.....

pretty heavy, right? right. so, here's the deal. she needs help to get back to Ethiopia, to spend time with her son, and then to be able to bring him home. this is a chance to do something big and powerful, and based solely on love. the kind of love a mom has for her child. its a beautiful thing. so, you can click here and be part of something.

please, and thank you.
xo

2011-12-09T08:09:00.002-05:00

happy friday to all my pretties... especially my lady bird rebecca, happy birthday beautiful...

2011-12-08T08:04:00.002-05:00

all i want for christmas, is sleep.

2011-12-07T07:32:00.000-05:00

if this was mine, i would never take it off.

2011-12-06T11:32:00.000-05:00

pretty sure i love absolutely everything about this....

2011-12-05T08:46:00.003-05:00

lately, all i want is sweets. i've been up to my ears in cookie batter, whipping out some pretty tasty treats. vegan, gluten free, plant based....i have to say, i'm very proud of matt for trying so hard to eat a plant based diet. i don't think its his first choice, but he's doing it, and i think he's into it. perhaps the lawyer side of him loves the argument as to why he's doing it, and since its based on some pretty hard facts, he's gathered his info, and can present the court with his best presentation. either way haters gonna hate, and to them is say, git that cheeseburger fatty!

had a lovely weekend of christmas trees and lights. i had no idea what all the fuss over a real tree was, but now i know. i want that smell always. actually, i was one of those people who would scratch my head over candles that were labeled 'christmas tree'. but now, i totally get it. my new favorite thing is to sit on the couch and smell the tree. oh the simple things...

off to meet my lady bird rebecca for a new and exciting exercise program. its called the bar method. if you've heard of it, awesome, if not.... check it out...

please take a moment and look at those faces. they are in pain, and they paid a high price for it.
i'm so into it.

2011-12-04T10:48:00.000-05:00

srsly...

2011-12-03T09:57:00.001-05:00

lies. i want to believe in you, i really, really do.... i'm giving you two more days to do your thing, and then i'm recycling your ass.

2011-12-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

if all goes according to plan, this little stunner will be mine. all mine.... swoon....

2011-11-29T11:10:00.002-05:00

this model reminds me of a girl i used to know, which is such a strange thing to say, cause i still know of her. she was at one time a friend, a sister, a trusted soul in my life, and yet in a series of events she suddenly became a total stranger. isn't it so odd how you can think back to all the people who have came and went in and out of your life, some staying, some only for a quick moment. of course there are those peripheral friends who will forever be on the sidelines or outskirts of your life, making little cameos from time to time, whether its a pleasure or a disaster. i look forward to those happy little moments and quick catch up sessions, whether they ignite a new found friendship, or remind you as to why those people are where they are, and you are no longer in that inner circle. i suppose the universe works in funny little ways, or the power of magnetism draws you in, and whatever the opposite of that pulls you away. i sometimes wonder who will make it with me to finish line. all the people in my life right now are ones i cherish and love and can't imagine a single day without. its pretty cool to say that out loud.

2011-11-28T15:03:00.001-05:00

i'm not gonna lie, i would eat the shit out of this.....

2011-11-27T17:59:00.002-05:00

i love all of this on this lovely sunday night....

2011-11-23T10:09:00.003-05:00

of only three things i'm totally sure....

1. i am totally in love with this guy right here....

under one roof, i find love, warmth and joy. somehow we just get it, we are in this together, and that's just the way its written. i can't explain it, and i can't try to figure it out, it just is. i am so thankful that even at my worst, he still looks at me with no judgement, ( perhaps silently ) and only open arms waiting for me after long days.

2. i'm having a private love affair with granny panties...

i mean, what else can i say? they are the single most comfortable item i own. originally purchased a package of cotton granny panties, as well as a package of sexy satin ones. i had intentions of having a gag gift made out of one of them for a recent secret santa exchange. when that went south, i figured i'd give them a go... seriously, i love them, in secret of course. so, don't tell anyone. especially the man.

3. thinking about going vegan. (again)

watched a very mind blowing documentary last night, forks over knives, you may have heard of it. if not, go now, and watch it. can you say reversing cancer as well as other deadly diseases?? yea, that's what i'm talking about. i've been dairy free for some time, with the occasional pizza splurge, yet it always leaves me feeling like shit. i avoid it most of the time. lately my diet consists of mostly veggies, fruits and some fish. after watching that movie, i promptly purchased 5 plant based diet cookbooks. even one for a slow cooker... pretty sure i'm getting a crock pot for Hanukkah (thanks mom). gonna try to convince matt to get on board, for our health!

xo

2011-11-08T10:28:00.002-05:00

2011-11-02T10:18:00.002-04:00

ok, ok, ok.....

back to work. hard work. body in motion, pushing and pulling work. i gotta say, i love it. i have all the right players in line, and now i just have to push myself towards it. i have only one goal, which is to be in the best shape of my life. i think its attainable. no more of this work out to eat like shit, not that i did, but i know how it goes. i have a personal trainer, who i actually like, and could consider a friend. he makes me do things that i would never make myself. that's the point, right??

i simply refuse to be one of those old ladies that is round and hunched over. i refuse to get old with out a fight. i want to be in shape forever, and stay fit, and teach my children(if and when) that its so important to stay active, and eat right. with the growing population, and i don't mean more people, i mean people growing outwards, its just getting to be where everyone is out of shape, and its so sad to me. especially the kids. they can't cook for themselves, and they learn from examples. lets be good examples people!!!

lastly, the final part of the equation, i have returned back to my beloved pilates. it was so lovely, walking through the door and having one of the girls actually say 'welcome home'. so sweet! i have a great instructor, who apparently has plans for me, can't wait to feel the burn! she's adorable, and funny, and i really like that she's fresh and wanting to push me pretty hard. i feel like its a great team up!

with everything all lined up, all i have to do is show up, work hard and keep my goals in mind. sounds easy, right? right.

2011-10-20T08:44:00.003-04:00

two nights ago was the first time Frankie came to me in my dreams. i imagine with his birthday looming, I've been thinking about him a little extra, if that's possible...

it was him, but wasn't, ya know what i mean? so, my mom calls me to tell me that she had to drop Frankie off at my house, but that nobody was there, so she just left him on the front porch. so somehow, i get home, or am home its all a bit fuzzy, but he's not there. (so poetic) so, i find myself running down Princeton, which is the street i live on, and I'm really hauling ass to find him. suddenly i see him in the middle of the road, near a pretty major intersection. he's just standing there in his what i like to call 'show dog stance'. from a distance i know its him, i can feel that it is. when i get closer, it looks more like Charley, Corinne's dog, who tragically passed just few months before Frankie. its sorta like in the a-ha video where it bounces between black and white and color, only from Frankie to Charley. its totally bizarre. so, now I'm running towards him, screaming his name at the top of my lungs, when i finally get to him, its the whole Frankie/Charley thing happening rapidly, until i grab him with my arms, I'm down on my knees, just holding him close to me, as hard as i can and for a split second, it felt so good, and then it was Charley again. when i looked at him one last time it was Frankie. and then out of nowhere, our bedroom light flipped on. this really happened. i woke up Matt and asked what the fuck just happened. he tells me that the neighbor, in the NEXT HOUSE has the same remote controlled fan/light as we do, and it sometimes happens. that it in fact used to happen all the time, but hasn't in quite sometime.

of course, I'll take it as a sign, from Frankie, Charley or the universe. i went to bed last night feeling worried about Frankie. that feeling of i hope he's ok. i just keep having it, and have for weeks. i keep wondering if he's alright. so, I'm not sure if I'm getting better, cause i don't think I've accepted his passing. i know he's gone, but i just still feel him. he's my heart. always will be.

2011-10-19T10:22:00.001-04:00

iphone dump. mostly from instagram.

2011-10-06T09:36:00.013-04:00

2011-09-19T09:06:00.001-04:00

2011-09-13T08:58:00.003-04:00

lately on the ol' iphone....

2011-08-23T09:20:00.001-04:00

feeding my inspiration.

2011-08-01T10:13:00.003-04:00

its been one month. i think its safe to say that i'm not handling the loss of my sweet boy very well. anxiety is at an all time high, almost lost my shit at a baby shower, surrounded by people i love, and feel safe with. i can't sleep, my head is foggy, and i just can't stop crying. i think its time to medicate. i've been dosing my self up with xanax at night just to try to sleep, but it just leaves me feeling like a zombie, and dizzy for the day. i think about those who have suffered far worse things than this, and it puts things into perspective, for a moment, but then i come home. then i get into bed, and i cry. my heart is so broken. and i know, ive heard it so many times that time will make this better, or it will be easier in time, and i realize not too much time has passed, but i am drowning. i barter with myself and try to make sense of it all, but nothing soothes me. i would give anything to have him back, anything. just to feel his warm little body next to mine, to have him waiting for me when i get home.

i've talked about how i need an animal in my life, but the momentary joy that will give me doesn't seem worth this pain. i don't know who does this over and over. and yes i know, its all part of the process, but this is just hell.

everyday seems to be twice as long. time is moving by slower and slower. until now, life zipped by and i swear minutes are hours, my days seem forever and the night is the worst part. all day long i push my thoughts out of my head, unless of course its one of 'those' days, where nothing works to try to move forward. so, i stifle my feelings, and be present for everyone, probably annoying the shit out of people, its like i turn it up to 15 just in case i slip a notch, by the end of the day, i'm just one big exploding emotion. everything slaps me in the face. the anger, the sadness the dark. its just so still around me, and i hate it. so i try to distract myself long enough to try to sleep, but nothing really works, i just cry, i rest and then i finally just get up because all this back and forth with my head and my heart is just annoying.

i just want to feel something different.

2011-07-11T15:26:00.002-04:00

ok, so here i go....

i can honestly say without a quiver of doubt that this is the single most painful experience of my life. my heart is broken, i feel an emptiness that is impossible to describe. looking around at my sweet frankie's things somehow gave me a feeling of hope, and comfort. i know he's gone, but maybe a part of me thought that having his stuff around would provide me with a warmth or hope or something. i realize now that it was only avoiding the obvious. my mother kept telling me to throw away his things, but i just couldn't do that. it sounded too final, and so cold. my whole life is not what it used to be. simple little gestures, from maneuvering around the couch and bed to not squish him, to changing my vocabulary. there are things that i say that are habit that i don't need to say anymore. physical habits, of walking, feeding, petting, holding, everything. its all gone. its a very strange feeling. solitude, sorrow, empty, numb, are all words i feel. i have never felt these things before. i don't want it, and i can't get rid of it. as i type this, i'm baking a soft clay paw print that was made of frankie's feet before or after, i have no idea, he died. i picked up his ashes today. i've never seen ashes of anything or anyone before. its horrifying. i wish i didn't look at them. they live in a box, with his collar and tags, and will always be set in the sun. my sweet baby loved to sunbathe. watching him move his bed from one sunny spot to another was so adorable, my little sun dial, yet another habit i will miss. the way frankie would whine by my head until i let him get under the covers every night, how he would just find the perfect spot to nestle up to me and squeeze in, would melt my soul. that boy gave me so much love, and i hope he knows how much i love him back.

to think for a moment that he lived in any pain, destroys me. i know towards the end, he did have some discomfort, but never let on to it. looking back, he was preparing me for the things i know now he knew, and i would deny. my heart is broken. part of me is gone, and i just don't know what to do with myself. this heavy heart of mine is trying to move forward, but all i can see is empty places where my shadow used to live.

everyone keeps telling me that in time, i will feel better, and i get that, but i just can't understand it right now. suddenly time is moving so slowly, and all i have is time to feel the pain and loss. and perhaps this is all part of the process, but thinking about his sweet face, and little heartbeat next to mine is a constant reminder that he is very much gone, and all i am is lost.

my heart is broken. if i could have just a little more time with him, i would never let him go. yet, in the end, i was forced to make that very decision. my sweet sweet frankie, i pray you are at peace.

2011-06-16T08:26:00.002-04:00

sooooo, lately i've been thinking and reflecting about my past lives, and how i came to be who i am today. of course who we choose to surround ourselves with influences who we are and our choices and really help lay down some of the foundation that helps mold who we will become. that being said, i have had people floating in and out of my life since the beginning. this is not to say that i haven't had some constants running along with me every step of the way, from various starting points. however there have been those who came in for short stints of time and made either grand exits or just drifted along. others, i've simply thrown out of my life never to return. and of course there are those that sneak back in from time to time only to remind me to make better choices.

lately i've been a little wrapped up in the idea of who i am today, and how i became me. not in a scientific way, but like, what makes me, and who i am and who i date and who my friends are. first, this thought won't stop running around my mind so i have to put it out there or i'm going to go crazy. i would be so bold to say that half the guys i've dated i wouldn't date now. in other words, i've come to a place now where i think i can actually see past all the smoke and mirrors and the cast of characters that i dated, or had as boyfriends wouldn't last a second in my life now. is this evolution?? not to say they are these terrible thugs with snaggle teeth or whatever, its just that who i am now wouldn't put up with their crap. funny to think about, cause i'm sure that those guys have changed and matured (let us hope) and have become these really great guys with the world just sitting there waiting for them to take over, or something like that. however for me, i will always see them for what they were and who they were. i can say that there are some people that i've had the pleasure of staying in touch with and have seen the shift happen. its truly a case of a boy becoming a man, even if he's in his late 20 or even mid thirties, it does happen, and i'm not blind to this reality, just my reality is a little more real.

now that i got that out, i have to say that the same goes for the ladies in and out of my life. to all the girls, have you ever suffered a lady friend break up? its probably the worst thing you will ever go thru. your closest friends turning on you, walking out and slamming doors, saying things or not that just cut through your soul? yea, its awful. those are the people that will forever remain cold and isolated in a place and will never be allowed to get close to me again. never ever have i suffered so much pain then when some of my friendships fell apart. ladies, when will we ever stop being cunts to each other?

ok, i think i got it all out. i should end with life is good and currently full of love. i'm in a good balance.

2011-06-07T12:36:00.002-04:00

recent iphone pictures. i am in love with life right now. i still get firey as hell, but i'm finding my balance, soon. very soon. xo

2011-06-01T08:39:00.001-04:00

2011-05-04T12:46:00.003-04:00

back from the dead... Internet that is. thankfully i was saved today by a very nice young man from Jamaica. not only did he hook up my Internet, he also helped me plan my next vacation. he was very helpful, and offered up some great local eateries that also offer some real Jamaican food. i'm pretty sure i just tapped into the hot line i've been longing for since i returned about four years ago... after he wrapped up the wires, and i wrote down every detail from lovers leap to ys falls, he then gave me his phone number. i'm sorry marvin, but its just not meant to be. my heart is simply already spoken for.

speaking of which, said keeper is turning another year older this weekend... festivities are being planned, against his will. i try and i try to plan but the powers that be (him) won't allow for such a thing. so we're gonna wing it for the most part... there is some type of plan in the works, but its so not planned out that it won't seem planned at all!

so, in other news, i decided to start writing. i'm compiling a bunch of my short stories and such, from either my personal life, or funny and not so funny tales from behind the chair. i'm trying my best to leave out names to protect the innocent. i'm sure i'll be on the new york times best sellers list in no time. fingers crossed.... maybe one day i'll share some of them over here on this little bloggy blog.

i'm in the process of purchasing a new computer... details to follow... i hope everyone out there in this cyber world is having a lovely day. if you happen to have a pet, give her or him a big hug. say i love you and mean it.
xo

2011-04-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Hey baby

2011-04-05T12:12:00.003-04:00

my mother told me a while ago that i should write a book. she said that i have some really great stories. i told her that my stories are ok, its how i tell them that makes them more interesting. i think i'm actually better at telling other peoples stories. maybe i'll start saving them somewhere and sit down and write that book. i'll probably have to change some names to protect the innocent, that way no fingers will be pointed, especially the middle ones, towards me.... my horoscope today said that i should start my own business. it also said that i shouldn't worry about the start up money, and that i should just go with this idea. lately i've been trying to come up with some type of job that doesn't have me standing around all day on concrete. the idea of being tied to a desk sounds like hell, and going back to school also sounds a little bit like a drag. maybe this book idea isn't such a far out notion??

i think i've finally recovered from the post vacation depression, they should hand out anti depressants as soon as you land back home. of course i'm in the process of planning quite possibly a trip of a life time, that is if it comes to fruition...fingers crossed. this is where i usually would say 'toes too', but my foot has been acting up like a little bitch lately. i went to a podiatrist today, and well, the words 'degenerative arthritis' were said to my face. also upon viewing my lovely x-ray, i noticed that the big bone i broke, the heel bone, is still slightly fractured. so, my running career is on hold. the good doctor wanted to shoot me up with some cortisone, which i quickly shot down. just in case, the two worst places for a cortisone shot are the hands and feet. unless i'm dying, no fucking way. so, i've got this anti inflammatory bandage on, and i have to keep replacing it every 12 hours, most likely for the rest of my life, or at least the next few weeks... he says, if it still hurts, to call him. um, hello? better gimme the direct line, its been painful for going on three years now, sir, and welcome to the fold...
not to be bitter or anything, but it really sucks.
on the very bright side, everything else in my life is fucking fantastic. yay!

2011-03-27T21:59:00.000-04:00

2011-03-14T22:48:00.004-04:00

best movie ever.

2011-03-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

one week away....

2011-03-04T17:35:00.002-05:00

my personal karaoke play list...

2011-03-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

2011-03-01T09:27:00.002-05:00

on this very gloomy morning i am somehow finding the motivation to get some stuff done that i just ran out of steam to take care of yesterday... i know, excuses. lately i've been in this head space, where i just don't feel like there's ever enough time to do the things i want to be doing. i want to have an exorbitant amount of time to hang with my friends and lovers, to lay around with frankie, and watch him breathe, or to just lay in my sun room and take in the peace that flows freely through me and the universe. i think the life of leisure could work for me, at the very least for a couple of months. after that, i'm sure i'll have gained at least 20 pounds and would probably be addicted to some really bad reality tv.... on that note, i was recently given back an old tv i used to have. mind you, i never owned it. in fact, i've had two tv's total that were never mine, but little parting gifts from exes. to be honest, i'm not really sure who's tv is now back in my home, but i don't really care. funny, its smaller than i remember.... anyways... a friend was holding it for me, and since i refuse to actually pay for a tv or cable for that matter, i will simply use it for my netflix. my fancy new couch opens up to a pull out bed, and i can't wait to watch a movie and splay out on my couch/bed.... good times up in the tree house.

took frankie for a walk this morning and was reminded of a little thing i don't believe i've ever shared. i freak'n hate wind chimes. i mean, i just don't get it. especially the metal ones. the wooden ones i will tolerate, but all the other kind make my skin crawl. i have a neighbor that has about 7 hanging in a tree in her front yard, one hanging near her front door, and i'm sure about 5 or 6 more that i just haven't spotted yet. i don't get why someone would enjoy all that noise.

moving right along.... i'm getting very excited for an upcoming outta town adventure! headin' to memphis to take in some wildlife, bar b que, the king, and whatever else strikes my fancy... i absolutely can not wait to get the heck outta here. the simple idea of no alarm clocks, no appointments, no waking up early, no jumping out of bed, and no real agenda makes my heart expand. a very much needed, well over due vacation is exactly what the doctor ordered. i've decided to take my lawyer with me, just in case i get into any legal trouble. not planing on it, but ya never know....

somebody quick, take away my girl scout cookies... i'm turning into jaba the hut. in an effort to stay slim, i started running again. yea, it pretty much sucks right now. i think i need some new shoes. what a bummer, having to buy shoes that i can't wear out with my fancy clothes, seems like a mean prank. but, oh so very important for my little gimpy foot. i swear, my left foot wants to go out and buy the tallest stilettos in town, and hit the dance floor. my right foot, wants to wear uggs. its a dilemma. thankfully its about that time of year where i treat myself to biweekly, sometimes weekly pedicures. i know, seems a bit much, right? well, to that i say, you stand on concrete for a living wearing shoes that aren't exactly the best for you, and tell me what your feet look like at the end of a work week... yea, thought so.

just in case i haven't mentioned it in a while, i am so freakishly happy right now. everything is fantastic. no, seriously, everything.

2011-02-22T17:01:00.000-05:00

heard this today, made me think of you.

2011-02-21T17:19:00.002-05:00

i'm ready for a slow dance

2011-02-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

2011-02-12T16:33:00.001-05:00

2011-02-08T09:13:00.001-05:00

2011-02-07T09:11:00.000-05:00

on repeat.

2011-02-04T09:04:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is the big day, but tonight starts the celebration. i can tell you right now, without an ounce of hesitation, this weekend will be incredible. with all the hub bub and anxiety laced around this particular birthday, for no real good reason, i feel as though i have nothing at all in the world to worry about. just as i asked, i will be picked up and driven around, i even have somebody on call, i mean, how rad is that? looking forward to kicking this year off right. surrounding myself with the ones i love and hold dear, making memories, and hopefully never forgetting them.

my father came over last night to pick me up for our big birthday basketball date. before we left, he had a present for me, from my aunt, his sister. you see, my aunt is the only daughter of my father's mother, a woman i sadly didn't have the chance to know. she passed shortly after i was born. that being said, i've always felt a very strong connection to her, like somehow our lives were interwoven. so, my aunt was given all of my grandmother's jewelry, and she was thoughtful enough to give one of those very special pieces to me for my birthday. you see, my grandmother had a love for boston terriers, mind you this was something i found out years after i had frankie, my little boston. i suppose it just never occurred to my father to tell me his mother cherished those little ones. well, her favorite one was called 'bo peep'. she was my father's childhood pet, and my grandmother's prized animal. she had a bracelet with a single charm on it of a boston, and an inscription on the back that simply said bo peep. that bracelet is now mine. a gift i will cherish, and a sentiment that i will always hold onto with all of my heart. i've never had anything that belonged to my grandmother, and now i feel one more connection to her. its a lovely day.

2011-02-03T08:41:00.000-05:00

2011-01-31T17:48:00.001-05:00

2011-01-29T15:41:00.001-05:00

2011-01-28T08:03:00.001-05:00

Echo And The Bunnymen | Killing Moon | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

2011-01-25T12:22:00.003-05:00

dear santa,

here's the beginning of my birthday wish list. so far, as you can see, i only have two items on the list. but, wait, there's more....

for my birthday this year, i would like it very much to never have to ever fill out another form for the rest of my life. i absolutely hate when i have to, its almost like i get offended, and i actually do get pissed. this morning at my doctor's office, i told her that i had moved and that my address had changed. she told me i had to fill out these two huge forms, so that they could update my file. i told her the only thing that changed was my address, and she just sorta looked at me like i said the funniest thing ever. i fucking hate filling out forms so much, that i seriously scribble all my information. i mean, if in the event that they needed that info, i suppose i'm fucked.

oh, here's one more thing for my birthday list... yes, and ipod. i've been in dire need of one for sometime. you see, my ipod took a fatal leap of a treadmill a while ago, and i've just never made the point to go out and get a new one. now, i realize that they are no long that much money, but i guess other stuff has always come first. on this note, i also need a computer wizard to help me get all my old music off some cdr's and dump it onto my computer and safely into my itunes. i don't think i'm asking for much, i just don't know how the hell to do it.

other than that santa, i would like to enjoy celebrating the day my mother expelled me from her uterus with friends and fun. some drinks and good food. something low key, and maybe even a dance party would be nice. i'm not asking for much. maybe even a little smoochy smoochy on the big night.... so santa, see what you can do about that. thanks, love ya!

2011-01-24T07:50:00.002-05:00

ever get so pissed you just want to scream? how about directly into someones face? i can only imagine how that must feel. i think one of these days, i'm going to be pushed into this situation. it won't be pretty, and i'm willing to bet moments after, i will regret my actions. but for those split seconds, my money's on damn, that felt awesome. i think i have a plan on how i'm going to make my millions. ready? ok, so, sorta like a firing range, only you bring in shit to throw and break, and scream at while you do it. you go into your own private garage type room, where you have an assortment of goodies to break. total anger management. it can be plates, glasses, ipods, laptops, whatever is pissing you off. and you can direct all that anger how ever you see fit. while you are in there breaking shit, screaming your lungs out with what i would imagine to be absolute profanity, letting it all out, getting rid of any anger, a calm will start to come over you. that's when you walk into a less sterile environment, where you can pet puppies, or get a manicure, or a massage. or whatever. and before you go, everyone gets a hug. sounds pretty good to me, who's in?

2011-01-21T07:34:00.001-05:00

2011-01-20T07:37:00.002-05:00

there are a few things that i have come to learn about myself. sometimes lessons come easily, and other times you have to pound it home. i'm not the type of person who can just sit and watch stuff fall apart. it destroys me, and i refuse to not take action. and while i'm quite aware that my actions are sometimes labeled 'cold' or 'harsh', i cant really change that. i suppose its who i am. have mercy on your poor, tortured soul if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of such treatment. however, if you do find yourself there, i'm pretty sure there is good reason. in my thirty-something years, i can honestly say that i rarely act unjustly, or with out reason. if you piss me off, well, i will stew and simmer and eventually boil over.

i've also learned that when i drink i come down with a sudden case of turrets. its absolutely ridiculous. words just fly out of my mouth, and i have no control. i just spew things, whether random, related, or just off the wall, and the sad part? i can usually never remember anything i say. and for that matter, what the other person has said. so please, no heart to hearts while drinking. and if for some reason it does happen, please recap with me when i'm sober, and preferably not hung over. thank you.

what happens to lust? i mean, everyone wants to know what happens to love when a relationship ends, but where does the lust go? are we really cut out for this long term type thing? and i'm not saying i'm against marriage, or commitment. anyone who knows me even a little, can say that i tend to be a serial monogamist. but where does the lust disappear to? or is it that i just get bored, lose interest, or sadly, is it supposed to be temporary? like, you get all excited about seeing someone, and you are overly turned on at the simple idea of them, and then you start spending every minute with them, and before you know it, you've hit a fucking wall. whats the secret? i talk to people all day long and i find acceptance is what i'm looking at. and thats fine, as long as happiness and fulfillment are right along with it. however, the true believer in me, wants to know if there is another way.

since i moved into my new little tree house, i've had this overwhelming sense of happiness. i think i was stuck in a rut and bringing down anyone who dared to cross my path. i have a few goals i'm working on, and i'm going to stay on them. however, i also have a birthday looming. i have only a few plans in the works, hopefully more to come, we shall see. what i really want? to be surrounded by friends and family and people who make me laugh. a good night out with some dancing would be lovely. maybe even some karaoke, if the mood strikes me.

a vacation would be nice. anyone feel like whisking me away?

2011-01-05T13:22:00.001-05:00

change is in the air. everything is upside down. its giving me anxiety. i'm okay with it.

2011-01-02T22:37:00.000-05:00

2011-01-01T12:51:00.001-05:00

2010-12-28T22:39:00.000-05:00

2010-12-24T09:42:00.001-05:00

frankie is thrilled to wish you a very happy holiday. or whatever.

2010-12-12T11:50:00.001-05:00

2010-11-23T12:10:00.002-05:00

saddest. thing. ever. screw you willie nelson.

2010-11-22T15:34:00.003-05:00

shots taken with a disposable camera. remember those?

2010-11-09T14:26:00.001-05:00

2010-11-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

happy monday.

what a weekend. spent all day sunday drinking and eating around the world, not to mention peeing around the world as well. i have no bladder for competitive drinking. i however will always hold steady at being the pace car. it was a lovely day at epcot. no crowds, no rain, tons of sun. i could have done with out the last 10 degrees of heat, but i'll take it over the shit storm of high heat/ high humidity we still have here. does florida know its november?? if you ever make it to epcot, and you should, pepe in mexico at the tequila bar knows whats up. as in, you buy a flight, act interested, or genuinely be, and he'll hook it up with some free shots. mind you, the shots are 1/3 the amount of an actual shot. that being said, i'm pretty sure my tequila shot days are nearing an end. i like a margarita just as much as the next gal, but i think doing shots, well, i just don't really want to think about it. so there. it was a great day, and led into a cool evening, and a final crash in a giant king size bed at a lush hotel.

ever drive down the same street twice in one day? i did today, and i was going the same way, heading down the same direction, when all of a sudden i had a thought that i haven't had in quite some time. i thought, 'i can't look at this view for the rest of my life'. verbatim. it made me think about moving away. lately i've been craving green. i want lush greenery, big green trees, and long rolling green hills, yes, hills. i want cool, crisp air with chilly quiet mornings, and thick aired evenings. i can't quite figure out what i'm wanting to see, but i want to see it. its really quite lovely in my head.

today was also one of those days, where you might start off thinking 'fml' and end it thankful for the ability to do the smallest of things. i met a young lady today that was in a really horrible accident. she's all beat up, broken neck, skull fractures, broken pelvis, staples, scrapes, etc. she rolled her jeep, and in the process her long, beautiful hair got caught on the roll bar, and for the last two weeks, she's had this little mound of hair tangled all to hell on the top of her head. she called it her hockey puck and well, i've felt hockey pucks with more give. basically she had the biggest, fattest dread on her head. so, i went to her hospital room and combed it out. i mean, i was there four hours, and only used my scissors once. so now she has two lovely little braids, keeping her hair untangled, and hockey puck free. for once in a very long time, my skills made me feel like a hero. i found patience, which i didn't think i had. it was nice talking to her, and just sorta being girls. i'm sure for her it was nice to have someone other than her family, or series of doctors come and hang out. for me, well, i simply did it because i wanted to. from the bottom of my heart i just wanted to do something nice for someone. i wanted no payment, no pat on the back, nothing. it felt really good. and with all this good, i still feel sad. i don't know how to explain it. i just sorta feel like i'm in a dream state, drifting. its okay, i know where i am, just don't know where i'm going.

my little man

2010-10-10T20:12:00.001-04:00

2010-10-06T12:00:00.002-04:00

hyp·no·sis

an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.

any questions? i for one have plenty. mostly from my childhood, not to say that my early years weren't filled with magic and unicorns, but i'm sure my parents did a number on me somehow. don't they all? with the best of intentions, parents do the very best they can to make a child feel safe and loved. unfortunately if the parents themselves don't feel quite so loved then the said child will see and feel this. long story short, my folks had a shitty marriage, and therefore were a bad example to me. they love me, and i know this, but some shit went down, and i'm pretty sure i can't shake it.

willing to try anything once, and somethings twice, i signed up for some hypno-sessions. i found a very amazing man who is pretty well known in the hypnotherapy world as being one of the leaders in this type of arena. he's incredible. from our first meeting i knew i could trust him, and he's got this squishy comforting aura working for him, and in return, me.

so far no groundbreaking discoveries, no breakthrough moments. just a few moments of utter heaviness, and some weird faux body sensations. i'm chasing the hypno dragon like a moth to the flame.

mental and physical strength go hand in hand. so while i'm working overtime on my mind, i'm pushing my body to the same distance. it feels good to be sore, and in return strong. i sorta feel like a puddle slowly collecting itself back up. its hard to put into words exactly, but i hope this mental imagery does the trick.

i'm reading about 4 books right now, and just ordered a 5th. i have this really strong sense of wanting to read anything i can get my hands on. its obsessive, but i can think of much worse things, like oreos. otherwise its business as usual. frankie is officially off suicide watch. during the first few weeks of this recent co-habitation, i was sure the little guy was going to just cease to exist. but alas, he pulled through. he's happy as a clam, and dare i say it, has found a friend in buddy the yorkie. life is good over here in the hood. as much as i want to have a house warming party, and have all my friends and acquaintances come check out the place, the thought gives me anxiety. maybe i'll have david do the dirty work.

2010-09-23T21:56:00.002-04:00

really? is that juice going to keep dripping??

dear mango,

why are you such a pain in the ass to get into? i mean, i want to eat you, and i'm not afraid to work a little, or a lot, but, c'mon. what i need is a handy dandy tool, like a mango cutter....

very sexy, no? i could seriously eat a mango everyday. here i am, living in a tropical type paradise, and why is it that i haven't had a mango a day since i got here?? i suppose its a bit of laziness, or perhaps there was just a time when publix didn't carry such exotic fruits. i'm pretty sure my childhood had apples, bananas, grapes and of course watermelon. oh wait! cherries! but alas, no mango. perhaps, my mother didn't have mango in israel, and therefore had no clue what that lovely little yummy fruit had in store for her and her deprived child. she was never really one for exotic adventures. or at least to the best of my knowledge. however, my father was born and raised in southern california. beverly hills in fact. perhaps mangoes were viewed as a lesser fruit back when he was growing up. maybe he wasn't exposed to such rare gems? however, my father being the by the book kinda guy surely would've come across some type of diagram to better his delicate pallet..??

riiiight.

sad as it may all seem, fear not. i have been eating these little beauties for some time now. i can almost remember my first time. so sweet, so juicy, so much fucking work. i mean, all i wanted was a freakin' piece of fruit, not some outward bound scavenger hunt for some good healthy choice i made instead of eating some piece of shit candy bar or something. i mean, come on! has anyone seen the size of that pit? what the hell is that? some type of space ship thing lurking in the meat of goodness?? its absolutely ridiculous. however, i've never been much of a quitter, so even though its not pretty, its still pretty fucking delicious.

voila!

2010-09-20T19:04:00.005-04:00

i know it sounds silly, but i still hide certain things from my parents. i started a new tattoo over the weekend. i couldn't mention it, mostly out of fear of their disappointment. sometimes i still feel 15. for a little while now, i feel tired of what i have. in a way, when i look at my arms, i see things that represent part of me, but not the me who i am now. so, when they tell you that you'll change, 'they' are right... i'm working on it. slowly, and with some steady hands.

i still find tattoos absolutely beautiful, so that hasn't changed. i think my image of myself has changed, and i want to express that. i really would hate to think that my tattoos precede me. but sadly, i think in some circles they do. this is a little internal boiling pot bubbling over. looking forward to working it out.

2010-09-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

repeat. repeat. repeat.

2010-08-24T14:14:00.002-04:00

the smell of blush will always make me think of my mom. ransacking her make-up drawer. trying on everything one at a time with out removing the previous. why was blush so big in the 80's? like was the look supposed to be 'just got embarrassed' or maybe 'i was just making out' or my personal favorite, 'i'm naturally flush'...

ps. that is not my mom.

2010-08-15T17:22:00.001-04:00

my own little hair story.

2010-08-02T17:49:00.003-04:00

we got the keys to our home together. the big move in has begun. slow and steady, here we go....

i feel pretty lucky to have found someone i really just like being around. i really just want him to be there, wherever i go, just so we can experience things together. he's really such an important part of my life, in ways that i've never understood before. we talk about everything, candidly and with out judgement. well, for the most part. he's silly and always makes me laugh. his silly little jokes give me such an honest giggle, even when i know whats coming... his puns are endless and i love it. i can't remember the last time i was silly. he's sexy too. he makes my heart flutter and i get those damn butterflies still. i hope forever.

our little house on florinda street is cute and sweet. i think we're going to make it such a cute little home. i'm pretty sure he's just as excited as i am about it. 3 weeks to go.

my poor little frankie has had a non stop battle with his right eye. now i have to put two different type of drops in both eyes at different times of the day. i just hope he's not in pain. he's been so good about letting me do the drops, but his spirit is down, and it just breaks my heart. if you think of it, send out some healthy eyesight energy his way, please and thanks.

not too much else. just trekking along. life's flying by. i guess its a good thing. waiting for a slowing down after august sometime. here's hoping.
xo

monday, they're in love...

2010-07-29T13:32:00.002-04:00

2010-07-19T16:04:00.003-04:00

ever get the feeling like nobody gets it? lately i feel so guarded, so protective that the only ones who are really getting in are the many different versions of myself, david and my acupuncturist. and let me just say, thank the heavens above for their endless ability to give me guidance, protection and strength. i'm in transition, i'm floating and changing, and feeling a little lost. i want to talk about the series of events that have led up to this, but its just a waste of energy to re-cap. so i'm just going to apologize for not giving up to much of the past details, and just say that i'm working on a brighter light. spending time at home, nesting and preparing to make the next nest is all i'm focusing my energy on. i feel so close to david right now, he's my guardian, my heart and he has no idea how much i'm leaning on him, probably cause i'm much to proud to say so. i want to scream at times, but only to let the negativity out. i'm done with it. i'm spent. i'm tired of the buzzing around, its making me dizzy. i've created a little bubble for myself where i feel safe and sound. with no apologies, this bubble will protect me from further harm.

to whom it may concern:

i'm tired of sending out bad thoughts in your direction, who ever you are. where ever you are. you drain me. you disgust me and i'm better than this. you can't come near me, i'm bigger than you and i'll always be just out of reach to you. the thought of you no longer even causes an ounce of emotions. to me you are dead. and with that i celebrate your funeral, and i bask in the weightlessness i now feel.

to david:

my heart i give to you with out hesitation. my soul is yours for however long this world will have me. in my past, i lived many lives with you, and many more will follow. i believe this is how the world works. with a collective memory of all those before us, and the likely hood of finding the same love all over again, in so many different ways is the only reason to continue to live life. with all the aggressions, differences, and bullshit, if you have the chance to feel love then its all really worth it. i have to believe this.

i'm a very lucky person. i feel lucky to have so many different relationships in my life, my mother, father, friends, and my david. all having ups and downs, all coming full circle whether now or in another time. its all been very educational. and yet i continue to learn and grow and just when i think i get it, another lesson unfolds before me.

2010-07-04T10:10:00.001-04:00

2010-06-24T08:51:00.003-04:00

2010-06-11T06:42:00.003-04:00

so, this is where i unload all my feelings and thoughts about life, and what i'm going through and how fucked up it all is. but i'm not going to do that. i'm just going to keep my mouth good and shut. instead, i'm going to write about a time when i was a little girl in israel with my family. i must have been either 8 or 9, and we were staying at my grandmother's house in a small city. i'll spell it out for you to say it.. rah-hoe-vote. this is the city my mother grew up in, and down the street was the store my grandfather worked in. it was a men's' clothing store. and right next door to that was the ice cream shop we went to almost every night. my mom would order ice coffee. across the street from my grandmother's place was a really nice park with a swing set that my cousins and i would play on. it was just like any city park, its just this one happens to be in israel. some of my favorite times were spent there, with my family.

one day, my father decided to be a funny american guy and pull a prank. my grandmother's condo was on the 3rd floor, with a nice balcony that you could see the sidewalk and park from. my father was in his photographer phase, with the nice camera and lenses and all. he'd shoot everything from bugs to 'moments'. anyways, so he thought he was a clever guy that particular day... he took an american quarter and super glued it to the sidewalk. he then perched himself up on the balcony, with his camera and took pictures of all these people trying to pick up the quarter. of course, being his co-pilot i sat right next to him, and watched him document this whole situation. looking back now, i wish i was older so i could laugh honestly instead of the girlish giggles that came out. i'm pretty sure he still has the pictures somewhere, and i'm sure he thinks its still pretty funny.

i think i miss my childhood. i'd like to go back there sometime, but i'm pretty sure the cab fare would be outrageous.

2010-06-07T15:27:00.002-04:00

i've got nothing of interest to say, so i'm just looking for entertainment online. bingo.

2010-06-03T13:06:00.002-04:00